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>Israel Faxx
>JN Feb. 27, 1998, Vol. 6, No. 38

Report: CIA Drafts Iraq Plans

By IINS News Service

The CIA has drafted plans to topple Saddam Hussein by enlisting Kurdish and Shiite agents to sabotage key economic and political targets in Iraq, The New York Times reports. The plan, the fifth covert attempt by the CIA to get rid of the Iraqi president, must be approved by President Clinton. Many of the Clinton's advisers are skeptical of the proposal, according to the Times.

Israeli Special Forces Inside Iraq

By IINS News Service

Inside Iraq, clandestine operations have been underway by American, British and Israeli special forces. Special forces were operating inside Iraq this week, as part of the preparation for an attack designed to persuade President Saddam Hussein to allow unlimited inspections, to see if he had stored any more weapons of mass destruction.

If the agreement of Feb. 22 between UN Secretary General Kofi Annan and Saddam Hussein holds, America, Britain and Israel will have to decide whether or not to withdraw these "special" units. Reports indicate the commandos may be working together to pinpoint targets and deal with other classified missions.

God Accused of Having an Affair

Turmoil has rocked Heaven as allegations have been made that God had an affair with a former worshipper. The scandal started when a 21-year-old woman, known as Mary, claimed she had given birth to God's "only son" last week in a barn in the hamlet of Bethlehem. Sources close to Mary claim that she "had loved God for a long time," that she was constantly talking about her relationship with God, and that she was "thrilled to have had his child."

In a news conference, God issued a vehement denial, saying that "No sexual relationship existed," and that "the facts of this story will come out in time, verily."

Independent counsel Kenneth Beelzebub immediately filed a brief with the Justice Department to expand his investigation to cover questions of whether any commandments may have been broken, and whether God had illegally funneled laundered money to his illegitimate child through three foreign operatives know only as the "Wise Men." Beelzebub has issued subpoenas to several angels who are rumored to have acted as go-betweens in the affair.

Critics say these allegations have little to do with the charges that Beelzebub was originally appointed to investigate -- that God had created large-scale flooding in order to cover up evidence of a failed land deal.

In recent months, Beelzebub's investigation has already been expanded to cover questions surrounding the large number of locusts that plagued God's political opponents in the last election, as well as claims that the destruction of Sodom and Gomorrah was to divert attention away from a scandal involving whether the giveaway of a parcel of public land in Promised County to a Jewish special interest group was quid pro quo for political contributions.

If these allegations prove to be true, then this could be a huge blow to God's career, much of which has been spent crusading for stricter moral standards and harsher punishments for wrongdoers. Indeed, God recently outlined a "tough-on-crime" plan consisting of a series of 10 "Commandments," which has been introduced in Congress in a bill by Rep. Moses.

Critics of the bill have pointed out that it lacks any provisions for the rehabilitation of criminals, and lawyers for the ACLU are planning to fight the "Name in Vain" Commandment as being an unconstitutional restriction on free speech.

Dinner is Served

A Jewish man and a Chinese man were conversing. The Jewish man commented upon what a wise people the Chinese are.

"Yes," replied the Chinese, "Our culture is over 4,000 years old. But, you Jews are a very wise people, too."

The Jewish man replied, "Yes, our culture is over 5,000 years old."

The Chinese man was incredulous, "That's impossible," he replied. "Where did your people eat for a thousand years?

God's Dialogue with Moses on Mt. Sinai

G: And remember Moses, in the laws of keeping Kosher, never cook a calf in its mother's milk. It is cruel.

Moses: Ohhhhhh! So you are saying we should never eat milk and meat together.

G: No, what I'm saying is, never cook a calf in its mother's milk.

Moses: Oh, Lord forgive my ignorance! What you are really saying is we should wait six hours after eating meat to eat milk so the two are not in our stomachs.

G: No, Moses, what I'm saying is, don't cook a calf in its mother's milk!!!

Moses: Oh, Lord! Please don't strike me down for my stupidity! What you mean is we should have a separate set of dishes for milk and a separate set for meat and if we make a mistake we have to bury that dish outside....

G: Ah, do whatever you want....

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